How Geek Are You?

44% Geek

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要不是有很多題目都是美國人才會知道的文化問題，我一定可以更 Geek 的啦！！！

彼此

　　
我從來沒有料到，妳要回高雄那刻竟會讓我如此難過不捨。

送妳送到小福門口，接近正午時分。天色正好，微風徐來。在微涼氣候被陽光曬得暖烘烘的我，像晾在南部外婆家門口的大棉被，軟綿綿輕飄飄。是連日來，難得的鬆。

轉身太遲了，本來不想讓妳知道的心情，全在紅紅濕濕的眼眶裡閃亮打轉。

早知道就不送行了。離別的場面，無論在車站在機場或只是尋常的街上，總是那麼容易勾得人情緒滿溢。

一整個下午上班，只要手邊工作稍有停頓，我都會突然鼻酸。在辦公室休息十分鐘，偷空問妳平安上車了沒，妳說妳提早結束飯局，人已在回家的計程車上了。我嘴一扁，說可是我已經開始想妳了，然後斗大的眼淚霎時就滾了下來。

好害臊，那場面進來洗東西的夥伴撞見了。她們大概以為我發生什麼慘事了，或是以為我在訴苦。是很慘很苦哪，只是不是一般人的定義。我一時也想不明白，更難向別人言喻。

回家後，我把這件事當笑話告訴堡兒和婷兒，她們兩個都覺得我發什麼神經又不是不見面了。真的好像在發神經喏，所以我也才覺得挺像笑話的嘛。過了幾天我又忍不住跟阿機說這件事，她默默地聽了，然後默默地說：解，這麼黏人真不像妳的個性。

原來這種需要和不捨，就叫黏人。

大概是妳沒有來之前我真的沒有意識到我這麼寂寞，沒有發現原來有這麼多心裡深處的話或是極其瑣碎的跳躍想法，沒有辦法跟別人溝通。如果不把隨時在腦中閃動發熱的思緒保留百分之四五十給自己，旁人大概都會覺得我一直在發神經，或對我看事情的奇怪角度無法回應。

可是我都可以告訴妳。妳永遠都會好認真地聽，不帶批判評論心情地聽，感同身受地聽。陪我笑，陪我叫，陪我傷春悲秋期待好天氣，陪我皺鼻子紅眼睛。

這世界上我想不到有第三個人會在討論結束後的幾個小時，又主動提起門要推要拉的話題了。也不會再有人因為我臉上一閃而逝的表情而在意而追問我說也說不出來講也講不清楚，其實也不甚重要的情緒。也沒有人在和我談起開店計畫時，會和我一樣，用一副我們下個月就要開張的慎重態度來勾構每個大方向、規畫每個小細節，因為我們都同樣深信，也知道，這是真的會成真的，不僅由於我們非常想做，更由於我們做得到。

所以，我難以用三言兩語解釋為什麼我這麼捨不得妳離開。因為，三言兩語交待不清，這麼這麼特別的妳，對我來說是多麼多麼重要的存在。

所以，妳一定要一直提醒自己，妳是很好很好很好的人，要努力記得有一個妳了解，也自認為多少了解妳的人，覺得妳很好很好很好。她因為妳心底浮現出的自我詆毀念頭，而心很痛很痛的。


妳一定不知道，妳走之後，台北只維持了約莫半天的好天氣，以致於讓我回憶起相處的時光，都覺得它近乎不可思議地美好。不過，和 Higgins 的咖啡豆不一樣，我相信這感覺並非記憶作祟，應該經得起反覆檢驗的。呵。

弄成這樣，我都分不清楚究竟是妳來找我陪，還是妳來陪我了。哈哈哈，無論如何總之快點再來！

A New Life: An Utter Blessing

　　
As you may have heard, my sister Piper gave birth to a little baby girl at 21:37, January 5th, 2010. Baby Zoey weighs 7 lbs 6 oz. She is unexpectedly heavy, considering Piper's belly was really not that big.

She is a Capricorn, you bet. Both born under the sign of Saturn and in the year of ox, I have a hunch that Zoey and her auntie are going to get along perfectly!

I got the news of Zoey's birth from my dad on a drowsy rainy afternoon. Tears brimming in my eyes, I became very very emotional over the phone. I felt grateful, on the one hand, to know that both Piper and Zoey were healthy and safe. I felt awe-struck, on the other hand, to look at a life so pure, so innocent, so tiny, so breakable, yet so full of surprising strength and unknown possibilities.

I felt strongly protective and motherly, too. For I know that the world of ours is neither wonderful nor perfect, and it would break my heart to see Baby Zoey fumble and stumble as she embarks on her life's long journey. But I also know for certain that I would do anything, anything I could to make it a better place for her and every other kid to grow up in.

How is it possible to love someone so suddenly and so deeply? How is it possible to think of someone all the time, someone you have never met yet?

Oh, my heart is filled with so much joy, love, and inspiration!

This afternoon, sitting by a misty window in a cafe, I decided to write a children's book for her. Caramel macchiato did help one think of sweet thoughts and create dancing pictures. So I casually put down sentences and shapes as I fabricated the story and the characters in my head. Now I have the basic structures for two books in mind.

Imagine: two books! I never thought for one day I would be able to write a book, let alone two books! I am utterly excited about this idea. Let's pray I have time, competence, and perseverance enough to carry it out one day.

Here's some pictures of Zoey taken by a professional photographer on the second day she was born. And, of course, her loving mom and dad are in there, too. My heart melts everytime I look at the three of them together.









It is indeed the picture of happiness. And it's only the beginning. ：)

心，是復原力最強的器官，還是最弱的呢？

　
我想知道，修好的心，還有沒有裂痕？
縫合的傷，看不看得到補釘？

下一次再戀愛，捧在手裡給出去的，
還是不是最最完整的那顆心？



妳說過，妳還是會奮不顧身的。

只是每次投入，到了不得不離開的時候，
總是會發現有一些什麼，在不知不覺中，
一點一滴地，被耗損消磨。

然後妳會覺得自己很不值得。
而且妳會以為永遠不會有好起來的一天了。

　
世上這麼多傷心的人兒啊。
我多想要，用雙手圈出一塊園地，
為妳們遮風擋雨，
好讓妳們可以把碎了的心，
慢慢地，重新拼湊在一起。


要記得那種縱身一躍的不顧一切的勇氣啊。
有那樣勇氣的妳，一定也有同樣的力量復原的。


不是嗎？

　　

Remembering Susan Sontag

　
This is an entry about reading and coincidence and love and how much a person－a person I have never met in real life－can mean to me. It is written on 10/9 and edited today, on 10/19.

I have been reading Susan Sontag's collection of essays and speeches, At the Same Time, on and off lately. It is her last work.

By chance, I have also come to read a few dozens of pages of David Rieff's Swimming in a Sea of Death: A Son's Memoir, a painfully introspective and intimate account recording, from not only an admirer but a son's perspective, Sontag's last years until she departs for a better world on December 28th, 2004.

On a fine October day, when I was still in Seattle with Piper, I lingered, as I ususally do, in UW's boookstore, rummaging the shelves for surprises and bargain books. And I happened to pick up a book by Nadine Gordimer, a collection of her latest short stories. The story entitled as "Dreaming of the Dead" caught my attention immediately, and it turned out to be a dream about Gordimer having lunch with her deceased friends. Among the jovial and intellectual company of Edward Said and Anthony Sampson was, surprisingly, Susan Sontag.

Gordimer's description of Sontag's "deep beautiful voice", her "larger than life" presence－almost like "a mythical goddess, Athena-Medea statue"－is so poetic and evocative. It made me miss Sontag so so much that I went to the other corner of the bookstore just to get a look, a touch of her essays and novels, as if in so doing I could feel her, feel her constant presence－as if, having had to accept her mortality as a human being, I could somehow be consoled by the immortality of her words and the imperishability of her spirits......


Well, maybe I am being too sentimental here...... But, if you have seen how Julie Powell is obsessed with Julia Child and how Julie believes Julia is there with her when she cooks all the recipes in Julia's book, you will understand. Trust me, you will understand.